Dust

Missing; like something is just out of place. The feeling of emptiness my finger feels. The cold symbolic ring is no more. No longer does it do justice yet I long for its touch, its security and the thoughts it held.

I guess I was just wronged.

I looked up to the sky, that same blue sky that you and I used to look up to together. It remained the same though we didn’t. Clouds flew by, the sun was shining and they were totally oblivious to the fact that it was hurting me. Life goes on no matter what and waited for no one. I guess I stood and held back. I didn’t know how to move on.

Everything seemed in place. A career that I always dreamt of was mine, an apartment with the most spectacular view is a place I call home and there was also you. There you were whenever I turn- always there right behind me. Richard Marx reminded me of you when he sang ‘I’ll be right here waiting for you’. I felt so lucky, so loved to have you two steps behind and to know that someone was there to catch me when I fall.

I don’t think I know myself well enough. I still wonder if I should regret the day I met you or perhaps regret the day I threw my door open. Letting you in was easy. You made me feel secure. To me, you weren’t one that would fall for another so quickly. That thought made me feel like a million bucks. I meant something to you and that you choose me out of the girls out there. Talking to you was like talking to someone I met before perhaps in another lifetime.

For awhile, we were happy. You were everything to me and I’d do anything to make you happy. Looking at couples passing by, I just smile to myself. I have you and there was nothing happier to have. We made memories, we tied the present times with a pretty bow on the top and we made plans for the future. We’d go places, sight see and breathe the atmosphere of love. We had many things we wanted to do.

The ground shook and thick black clouds rolled in. I should’ve seen trouble ahead, coming closer. I thought I knew you but from the looks of it, I guess I didn’t.

I was so wrong.

The rain fell and I was left standing there while watching you in your cosy chair from a window. Your decision was sudden and I never had the guts to ask you why. Perhaps it was my pride. Perhaps I was afraid to know why. You said your reasons yet they weren’t enough. The real truth you kept well hidden under lock and key. Did I imagine most of what happened before?

I guess I was then.

My idea of a fairytale love was silly. I couldn’t sleep anymore. Every time I closed my eyes, you were there smiling back at me. Why do you torture me unconsciously? You don’t seem to know or seem to care what everything happened before meant.
You were so oblivious.

I’ve been using the word often oblivious, which perfectly sums you alright. I guess I should have said my reasons when I had the chance but every time I see you, the words don’t come out right. They’re not what I meant to say. Maybe I’m protecting myself and my pride. My girlish pride or the icy queen pride- the pride that my heart was never touched at all by you. To the world I am able to deny the fact that you did. But to me and my heart, I can’t hide that fact from ever showing.

I hated the memories you made with me. Everything I looked at, everything I touched, I feel you there with me. It was so easy to let you in and now it’s so hard to erase and dust you out.